5 Reasons Not to Invite a Bear to a Tea Party

1. They eat all the crumpets. Bears are omnivores, which means they are more than happy to eat the crumpets. And they do. Their huge bellies mean that they can consume large quantities of crumpets and will do so, before anyone has a chance to enjoy their crumpety-goodness.

2. They use way too much honey with their tea. A bear will always make a grab for the honey first, and they always spend at least two minutes getting the "right" amount. They always have to have their tea just right, not too sweet, not too bitter. And bears like their tea sweet. Very sweet.

3. They will not drink anything but berry teas. Even though they are omnivores, bears are very picky about their tea choice. They hate jasmine, oolong, chamomile, etc. and refuse to drink any teas with any of those flavours. Even green tea is bearly bearable, and they will only drink that if it is heavily infused with a berry flavour.

4. Bears have very poor table manners. No napkins ever fit on their laps, so they feel like there is no reason to have one. That would be fine for a casual tea party, except for one thing: bears are sloppy eaters/drinkers. They are too used to just mauling something and eating it, or lapping water straight from a stream, that they have a problem fixing those manners when they are at a tea party.

5. They always bring up the elephant in the room. Bears hate elephants. Elephants are bigger, eat more, have a trunk, and are just generally more awesome than bears, and bears detest that fact. They always pick on the elephant, and make the elephant uncomfortable about being at the tea party. This creates a very awkward situation, because elephants are generally very docile, and try not to fight back.

If you do not believe me, I welcome you to invite a bear to a tea party. But heed my warnings, because if shit hits the fan, it may be your last tea party.

-AFR