The Irrelevant Post

Today I am going to discuss what the world will be like in 1842. In 1842, humans will have invented a way to communicate with animals, specifically those of the large bovine variety. These discussions with bovines will be aired throughout the world, being the single most popular video in all the newspapers. Newspapers with small televisions in them are impossible some might say. But in the year 1842, every newspaper comes equipped with that. Writing becomes almost a thing of the past, because as everyone knows, if you add two trouts to a mango, you get the square root of a kumquat.

Additionally, the year 1842 will involve a large number of invasions of neighbouring planets, the most important one being the army's attack on the planet Xelion, in the system Holeo. The acquisition of this planet leads to the necessary pacifist treaty signed with the newly-formed denizens of Mars, keeping us from destroying them entirely in our attempts to fire a interspacial laser through their planet towards Selea, one of Xelion's thousand moons.

On Earth, the Communist Republic of Yugorussiamany (a country that occurred when Yugoslavia decided to annex both Russia and Germany), nearly gets overthrown by a violent coup, where the Emperor of All Time almost getting assassinated by an over-zealous, suicide kiwi from Australia. Nearby, in the Soviet Republic of Canada, the world's scientists have gathered to seek refuge from a huge number of coconut-laden swallows, intent on destroying the new energy generator that runs on children's farts. This in turn causes the Bird War I, in which the laden swallows end up getting overpowered with Canadian geese armed with tissue paper in the shape of forks.

Mutations in the human genome in 1842 are fairly common and cause a high number of superhuman humans with dorky powers. The most significance of these new SuperDorks is Toaster Man, whose amazing ability allows him to turn the mucus of any human being into multiple pieces of toast. These new crime fighters take on a huge number of criminals, who have resorted to using lasers of highly concentrated Lady Gaga music to fend off the multiple SuperDorks coming their way. This fight wages in many abandoned cities, with the citizens of these beautiful cities leaving because of the all-to-horrible stench that is emitted from these wars between the two parties.

And how do I know all this? Because I am a time-travelling space monkey.